Sunday, January 6, 2008

A reflection about a journey

Whew, so backpacking in Yosemite was amazing. Humbling may be a better adjective to describe my time there. God's creations never cease to give me those jaw-dropping, mouth-gaping wow-moments. When things are so much bigger than I am and beauty is just plain natural it's hard not to realize that there is so much more to life than what we make out to be.
Though all this I find to be true, a big chunk of my time while backpacking was captured in an awkwardly unpleasant quandary. Not only was it disheartening to see some of the people I hold dearest and closest to me being rude, inconsiderate and straight out mean to one another but I couldn't say anything to anyone without looking like, what I felt would be, the "betrayer". I understood both sides (neither of which I saw any reason to act the ways that they did) and if I stood up for one person I was instantly turning my back another. I was being distracted in the midst of some of God's most breath taking handiwork by selfishness, cliques and a lack of respect between God's children. Not only did I feel pissed off, tired and discouraged but I also was slowly losing grip of those close friends.
It's times like these that one wants to just yell their head off. Praying doesn't seem to get anything anywhere and hardheadedness is getting in the way of any solution being reached. The hardest thing for me to grasp is the fact that the anger and the tension that was spilling over never even had a chance to be mended. Instead, the awkwardness of each irate confrontation escalated and I was caught looking at the ground, kicking the dust with my hiking boots.
Confession: Yes, I was hurt that I was being left out of "my group" of friends. I was hurt that it was no longer a group backpacking trip but instead an on-going scurry to catch up with the rest of the group. I was frustrated that "loving thy neighbor" and "turning the other cheek" both were not being practiced, and maybe not even thought of. I was pissed off that people I held close to me decided to be impatient with others that I held as best friends. I was at my rope's end with the fact that rude comments were being thrown left and right and that EVERYONE felt disrespected and broken down.
Where was Jesus on this church trip? No matter how much I pleaded, nothing seemed to get better. Maybe I should have said something earlier. Maybe I should have stuck with one side. Maybe I should have prayed more. But, either way I was bound to lose. There was no making everyone happy. I tried that time and time again and I lost.

I wish that things didn't end this way. I wish that trekking through immense splendor and divine design did not conclude in a separation in parties. I am then left with the question, do I ask for forgiveness? Do I apologize for not taking a side? Am I in the wrong for not saying anything?
My feelings are hurt. I heard people talking behind my back, I heard the comments that were made when I had to take it slow and I didn't appreciate always being wrong or challenged with my opinions. It broke me down.

I may have lost two of my best friends on this trip.

I am ending here. I still don't blame anyone. I am not pointing fingers. No one handled it correctly. I just wish that this didn't make me want to burst into tears and give up on friends. I wish this didn't feel like a balancing act fifty thousand feet above the ground, trying to make everyone happy.

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